Did you know you're eligible for Premium?

By upgrading to Premium, you’ll receive our most requested feature:

No more emails about upgrading to Premium.

In addition, you'll get:

  • LIMITLESS absence of emails about upgrading to Premium

  • HIGH DEFINITION livestream of our server not sending you emails about upgrading to Premium

  • PERSONAL consult with Josh, our marketing coordinator, who will shake his head no when you ask, “Do I receive emails about upgrading to Premium?” He will not answer other questions nor exchange pleasantries.


  • QUALITY images of people that are not you, receiving emails about upgrading to Premium. So that you don’t feel like you’re accidentally receiving them, we blur out images of those emails they receive.

  • PROFESSIONAL networking opportunities with others who are also no longer receiving these emails because they have upgraded or are dead.

  • EXCLUSIVE tote bag that says “Data Drives Decisions.” Available while supplies last (this is Josh’s tote that he no longer wants.)

  • NEW emails inviting you to upgrade to our other tiers:

    • Enterprise Premium Pro for Teams

    • Pro Premium Plus (sounds like a shampoo, is not a shampoo, but we will send you a shampoo to say thanks)

    • Premium Plus Bring a Friend

    • Semi Pro Plus Do NOT Bring a Friend

    • Plus Plus Pro Non-Premium with Granola Bites

Our Most Popular Plans


  • pick this if nobody likes you

  • we don't

  • do you like yourself (you shouldn't)


  • fine i guess

  • we like you a little

  • this plan is fun, but not too fun, like going to prom but your date is a friend that you're settling for


  • do this

  • your hair looks good today

  • fixes your insecure attachment style

Plan Comparison

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Will my premium membership be automatically renewed?

A: What kind of thing would this be if we didn't automatically renew your subscription.

Q: Will I have the option to cancel my premium subscription?

A: Yes, but it will require talking to Josh (believe me, you won't want to do that).

Q: When will my card be charged?

A: We put a temporary $1.00 charge 2 Tuesdays before the start of service, and the full amount 3 long weekends ahead of that, or when the waxing moon feels just right, whichever comes first.